My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats