“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers