GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.