BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?