Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834