me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off