[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.