nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.