her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex