this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha