*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me My dog
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”