I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it