Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You Might Also Like
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Sex so good you see dead people.