me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.