You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.