11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Mouse
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.