Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Saturday
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away