Lmao
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Happy Star Wars day!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?