“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Important reminders
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all