Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Dear Lord..
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.