I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Jogging
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what