Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Message from the dog groomers
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.