Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape