Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.