[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.