People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
😂🤣😂🤣
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
somebody come look at this
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Sounds like a bargain
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh