My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
A game married people play.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did