In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
LA today:
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.