The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Battery falling down a hole
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.