[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.