Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
When you’re here for the treats.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke