OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome