The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you