Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at