Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Don’t forget to tip your server
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t