My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
#parenting
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*