Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
one last job
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
fair
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2