coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
This classic never gets old . . .
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.