Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think