It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
You Might Also Like
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Never forget.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts