I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s