I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.