Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.