police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
sometimes, late at night, i鈥檒l look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
OMG, I can鈥檛 believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who鈥檚 out despite the stay at home orders.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’m choking laughing omfg 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
What鈥檚 a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Every time you see a snake鈥檚 shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I鈥檓 part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 馃槉
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
銇濄倢銇崏
I think one of the main reasons I don鈥檛 believe in reincarnation is because I don鈥檛 like the idea that I鈥檝e done all this before and am still so bad at it.