8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
You Might Also Like
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin