Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.