Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
ouch
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1