“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I saw nothing
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*