“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Home #decor warning.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
rise and shine we got egg
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment