Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
#DesignFail
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Oh, I bet you would be
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.